How Your Fears Can Help You
by Madeline118
Summary: Kirk was raped as a child. The memory of Spock choking him brings up painful memories/nightmares. Spock comforts Kirk. Dark, with maybe fluff.  Odd, I know.  On Hiatus until I get inspired. MIGHT completely change it to be better.
1. Chapter 1

Kirk awoke with a start, breathing unevenly and the glimpses of his nightmare still lingering on the fringes of his mind. The hands, the inappropriate touches, the dark chuckle that emanated whenever Kirk would scream in agony… He shuddered, remembering the last part in vivid detail.

_Frank stood above him, pinning him down with his much larger adult body as the hand around his throat slowly choked the life out of him. He tried to get away, to push the man away, and to escape the laughter that made his blood turn to ice. _

_ "Little Jimmy… When will you learn? Nothing goes without punishment in _my _house." He punctuated the word "my" with a deep thrust, causing Jim to tear more, the blood seeping down his thighs. He tried to scream, but it came out more as a strangled gasp. This only pushed Frank further, the sadistic smile and his other features morphing into the ones of his First Officer's. Spock was now the one staring down at him, dark brown eyes smoldering with pure rage. _

The sinister laughter was the last thing he heard before he bolted awake, tears streaming down his cheeks. Jim curled in on himself, shaking with sobs as he painfully remembered each of the abuses. The nights he could not sleep, the days he found it hard to walk. But of course, his mother didn't care. Or she just didn't see. Didn't see the way Frank would leer each time Jim had to stifle a whimper of pain in front of his mother or guests. Didn't see the way Jim was being broken bit by bit…

He got up, looking at the chronometer and noting that he still had another two hours until Alpha shift. Just enough time to get his emotions under control and put on the Captain James Tiberius Kirk mask. The mask that didn't show the true him, the one that was scared of being in the same room as Spock and getting the "Vulcan superior strength" choke of death.

Walking into the bathroom that, regrettably, adjoined the Captain's and First Officer's quarters, he quickly stripped and stepped into the shower. He turned on the water, preferring that over the Sonics. Kirk put a supportive hand on the wall, letting the steaming water wash away his tears. He started to clean himself vigorously, trying to get the feeling of being unclean off of his skin… But the thoughts were more than just skin deep. Another sob racked his frame as he leaned into wall, covering his eyes with his hands.

After a few more minutes, he turned off the shower, stepping out and wrapping a towel around his waist.

"Captain." Said a low voice to his right. He jumped, looking over to where Spock was currently standing at the sink. Jim visibly stiffened, letting a shaky breath out before looking away from the dark eyes boring into his. There was something in them that he didn't want to identify.

"Mr. Spock. Good morning," Jim replied stiffly, holding the towel so it would not fall. Spock seemed to notice how tense he was, and decided to voice his concern.

"Is everything alright, Captain? Your appearance suggests you have been crying." His statement was like ice water being poured onto him; he froze, eyes widening only slightly. Spock took a step towards him, and Jim took an involuntary step back. This earned him a raised slanted eyebrow.

"I'm fine, Spock. Just," he paused, "It's nothing. See you on shift." Jim began to leave, but Spock stepped in front of him, blocking his exit and causing Jim's heart rate to spike.

"Captain, you have not been yourself lately. You appear tired, and seem to have lost weight. Being your First Officer, it is only logical that I be looking out for your physical and emotional well being," Spock paused, again taking a step towards Jim; he forced himself to stand still. "So I must implore again, are you well?"

Jim glared at the Vulcan standing in front of him, putting on his mask of arrogance self confidence. "Yes, _Commander,_ I am fine. The stress of making sure four hundred plus lives don't die each day is, as you have probably noticed, not exactly the easiest thing to do. I'm stressed, that's all." Not a complete lie, but it hid the real truth from Spock, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe the _logical_ thing to do after a shower is getting dressed." He went to walk past Spock, but again the damn Vulcan stopped him.

"Jim, I know that there is something you aren't telling me…" Spock trailed off, no longer looking into Kirk's eyes. "I heard you screaming earlier in the week. I neglected to confront you about it, seeing as our relationship is merely professional." Spock was looking at him again, brown eyes boring into his own.

Kirk was silent, his cocky demeanor gone. His shoulders slumped, and he blinked sadly, fighting back a wave of fresh tears. "You really wanna know?" Jim asked. Spock gave a hesitant nod. "Then come by my quarters after Alpha shift." And with that he pushed past, not even bothering to see if Spock had an answer.

He got dressed quickly, returning to the bathroom to brush his teeth and put his hair into its normal fashion. Jim proceeded to the bridge, where the hours progressed slowly and nothing really happened other than the occasional banter and "Yes, Keptain," from Chekov after he gave him an order.

Finally the hours were over, and he trudged back into his room with the notion to just lie down and hopefully have a night of at least semi-good sleeping. That is, until and knock came from his bathroom door. Kirk groaned, knowing exactly who it was.

He got up, walking over to the door and opening it. The sight of Spock greeted him, and he quietly said, "Hey Spock…"


	2. Apologies

Okay people who have read my story, I regret to inform you that I will not be updating this. Actually, I'm deleting it. I can't make it go anywhere, and the story is not… *sigh* Well, I just can't make heads or tails of how to continue To all who reviewed, **foxgodess7,** **Burning Phoenix, zeynel, angel's lil devil angel, RubyHair, **and **MirrorFlower and Darkwind**, thank you so much, and I'm really sorry. I'm thinking about doing a one-shot based off the song "Like You'll Never See Me Again" by Alicia Keys about Kirk and Spock, so there is still hope for my Spirk writing.

This is the first Star Trek fan fic that I've ever written, so I'm lacking experience. Also, I didn't really have a plan for this story :/ I just got an idea, started writing, and posted it in my drunken (not actually drunk) frenzy of "Oh em gee, people might like this let's post it." And yeah. I'm a dumb arse *facepalm*

BUT. I would like to give a humongous thank you and hug to the reviewer **Romanse**, because she helped me see why writing is fun and how what other people think shouldn't be the reason I write, but rather because it's what I love to do. I got a bad review on this, and it made me really upset. She encouraged me to look past it, and realize that the people who liked my story outweighed the one who didn't, and to take inspiration from their reviews. You taught me a lot, Romanse, and I thank you. I just wish I could give you justice by finishing this story…

Live long and prosper- Madeline118


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